Month: June 2023

Why I am a Masochist

Why I am a Masochist

I have become a Masochist
purely for survival.

pain, radiates in waves
suffocating screams
locked in endless echoes
wailing inside
my head numb
from.

pain, to feel again
I long for
a sense of reality
nothing is better
to ground one
than true agony.

pain, a daily struggle
all day, I ache internally
dull depressive lows,
a blue harpoon to spear
a heart beating below.

pain, in a general flame
like a circus rolling around
my head is a lit with laughter
and laughter hurts more
when it is out of control,
hours blend, shrieks
terror before the blackout.

pain, it is how I survive past and thru,
apathetic, clear-headed, nearer to death
an apathy scares me more than pain
a lack of all emotion, a lack of all
void that hurts, or it would.

void, lingers in my heart
pain blurs the edges
and allows me to say
"I'm alright."

when pain is the only way
I make it day to day.

6/23/23

Rust if Time

Rust if Time

rust
clinging at my eyes
eating away
as I linger in space
not moving, but time
a gentle breeze
passing through my ears
un seen in passage
yet it collects in that rust
blinding me
the world gone black
a void hovers in my mind.

alas I can see,
to my horror,
I can see.

age has settled on those lost
in a carried breeze,
lofted away upon sands
slowly buried
until they suffocate
cries muffled.

rust
it corrods me
joints locked in agony.

sight is pain,
sound is pain
as those I once cherished 
erode from a breeze
that doesn't affect me.

those horrible screams
all night, I hear them
as they anguish from
dark swirls of void
in which they twirl
agonies as they die.

rust
in my lungs
breathing is a chore
but I must endure
to witness hell 
as into me is bored
the script enacted
of a tragedy old.

or new,
time has become irrelevant
suffering inevitable
and in my torture
I learned.

pain is the 5th plane
perpendicular with time,
parallel with mine,
I sit on the axis.

and with the close of my eyes
time dies in the cold, vast void
where I lie for...
why nothing remains.

6/10/23